I picked Brian up today. That boy has saved my life more then once. He has seen me break down in the worst way during "the dark time" of my life. Sometimes I forget that he loves me so deeply. Sometimes I forget I love him deeply. When I'm feeling like I'm going to jump off the deep end he grabs my arm and pulls me back up on the dock. Sometimes I forget that the words that come out of my life are dark and scary, and he'll look at me with those deep brown eyes of his and I want to cry. I ended up telling him how I would kill myself. Those words spilling out of my mouth scared me. I've never really felt like that before. I played it off as a joke but those thoughts are dangerous and stupid, I know that. We play off each other. Like two comedians. We are always in different moods it seems. Two very different people. He also spoils me so bad, he has bought me a new coat, shoes, bags, everything.
Today we made a packed that if I am still single by the time I am 30 and if he has no partner then we're going to get married and have babies. I like to joke and pretend I don't want them to have his eyes, but I wouldn't want it any other way. His deep brown eyes are honest and my blueish green ones are mean and hard. This boy is my life, my rock, my everything.
And I don't think he knows that.
I just get lost and blinded by the fact that I'm sick and empty that I don't realize how much I shove people away. I just want to feel better, I want to feel alive. But if I do start feeling better and I no longer have friends then will I really feel any better?
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