My body hates me.

I had to call out of work today. My body wanted to play "am I going to throw up?" which is not my favorite game at all.
At the start of the week I was suppose to get 30 hours now 'm getting 18. I hate my body.

And now I have this weird starvation- nauseous feeling
UGH

I also have made much progress on my novel.

I work at Old Navy, Did ya know that?

My first Black Friday. I worked 11pm- 8:30am.

I can't feel my legs.
We found out that the line had started forming around 8pm, we opened at midnight. People are crazy to stand in line THAT long. I know you're getting some deals, but still. I felt like my eyes were taped opened and my tummy hurt the whole night, it was utter craziness. All the kids who worked the same shift as me look like death. We looked like zombies, staggering around the store. We gave the new video game Dance Central to the first 59 people in line...and the next 10ish people I believe free cozy socks...which is kinda of a slap in the face. "Oh sorry, you were number 60...have some cozy socks!". But it was really fun, actually. I love working with the group of people I did.

When I got home I ate some left overs and passed out. I slept 7 hours...not what I wanted to do.

Now I'm going to stalk weheartit.com and work on my novel.

Another Thanksgiving without you.

Sigh.
Holidays are always terribly hard. My Nana was the glue that kept this family together. She passed away a little over a year ago. When she left this world she took a little bit of us with her. I miss her more then I could ever understand. Its not a normal miss, Its like this aching hole in my chest that won't heal. She was my second mother, my rock, my safe place to hide when I had no where else. When I was younger I wanted to die before her so I wouldn't know a world without her. God has other plans for me, I guess. I've been living in a world that doesn't know how wonderful a lady she was. I fear her memory will fade from my mind, so I fight everyday to remember her. Not that I think one day I will no longer remember who this woman is, I just worry I'll forget what her voice sounds like, or what color her eyes were.

Today is a good day to reflect. I haven't really stopped and though "these are all the good things in my life"

• My family. They are so amazing and wonderful. They are always there for me no matter what. My Mother would stop everything to do anything for me. My Dad is one the funnest men alive. I get a lot of my humor from my Dad. My bother. He always watching out for me. When my ex boyfriend broke up with me my brother called me to make sure I was okay. Hes such a sweetheart. Not to forget my Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins who I also love very deeply.
• My friends. I can't even start to list all the shit I make them put up with. I love them. They have seen me go through so much and has never left my side. I love all of you and even though I don't always tell you guys but I do, I don't know what I would do with out you guys.
• My job. Sometimes I hate it, but its a job and I like it. I like the people that I work with. I wish I made more money but whatever. 
• My car. I love to hate it but its the first big thing I have ever bought myself. I'm working just to make the payment on her. A blue 2003 Jetta. I'm proud of her.
• My Faith. Sometimes I lose sight of my beliefs when I am all wrapped up in my own self pity but this is all part of Gods plan, I also forget that.

I could keep going. There is so much I am thankful for.

I have to work 11:30pm to 9:00 am tonight at Old Navy. It should be fun? I'll post a picture of my crazy staff shirt later.

I forget the simple things.

I picked Brian up today. That boy has saved my life more then once. He has seen me break down in the worst way during "the dark time" of my life. Sometimes I forget that he loves me so deeply. Sometimes I forget I love him deeply. When I'm feeling like I'm going to jump off the deep end he grabs my arm and pulls me back up on the dock. Sometimes I forget that the words that come out of my life are dark and scary, and he'll look at me with those deep brown eyes of his and I want to cry. I ended up telling him how I would kill myself. Those words spilling out of my mouth scared me. I've never really felt like that before. I played it off as a joke but those thoughts are dangerous and stupid, I know that. We play off each other. Like two comedians. We are always in different moods it seems. Two very different people. He also spoils me so bad, he has bought me a new coat, shoes, bags, everything. 

Today we made a packed that if I am still single by the time I am 30 and if he has no partner then we're going to get married and have babies. I like to joke and pretend I don't want them to have his eyes, but I wouldn't want it any other way. His deep brown eyes are honest and my blueish green ones are mean and hard. This boy is my life, my rock, my everything. 

And I don't think he knows that.

I just get lost and blinded by the fact that I'm sick and empty that I don't realize how much I shove people away. I just want to feel better, I want to feel alive. But if I do start feeling better and I no longer have friends then will I really feel any better?

You gotta get up, to get beat down.

My goal is to create a blog everyday. I was never that faithful with a paper journal. I guess it's 'cause I can't stand my hand writing. Or I would simply just forget. But there is something about being able to type out all of the things are are spilling into your brain down. I'm the kind of person who wears there soul on their sleeve and heart as a hat. I get easily burned and let down. I have started buliding walls and pushing people away. I can't stand it anymore. My hope is that this blog will keep my safe and keep my sanity in tacked.

My blog will consist of the following:
Self loathing
Bitching 
Regrets
Pictures from my tumblr that I think are pretty
The inner workings of my mind
My hopes
My fears
What keeps me awake at night
My dreams
The opposite sex
My Family
My job
My Friends
Crazy adventures
And more bitching.

I think this will really be super helpful.

Hello, Blogspot.

I like to keep my chin up. But sometimes its hard. Sometimes I have no one to talk to so I'm making this. Just to get all of the stuff out of my brain. I don't if no one ever read this. Why would anyone? I'm just one girl with a dumb blog from some crusty nook in Maine. I'm not looking to be the next Julie Powell (even though we all know shes totally awesomely amazing) I just want to get stuff of this caved in chest of mine.

I got diagnosed with vertigo...big deal, right? Its a huge deal. Have you ever spun around in a circle? You know that feeling you get right after you stop? and everything is spinning and spinning around you and you can't tell which way is up or down and you feel like you're falling? Yeah thats my everyday. Its starting to really become an issue. Its starting to mess with my emotions and how I interact with my family, friends, and the people around me. Most days I don't want to get out of bed. But, I force that smile and stroll off to work.

Well anyway. There will be more post of me totally bitching or telling kooky stories about my life.