So this is Christmas...

Almost two years ago my Nana lazily woke up later then she normally does on Christmas Day. We had tried waking her but she just wanted to sleep, so we let her. Not knowing fifteen days later she would no longer be with us. She sat at the table slowly drinking her coffee and gingerly opening her Christmas gifts as we watched. I could feel deep in my bones something was wrong but, I ignored it. Not facing the reality that something was feeling out of place. If I could, I would go back in time and hug her, wake her up, tell her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her like a mother. I never got that chance. I know she knows that she was my second mother. The night before she slept in my bed. I was sleeping on my bedroom floor, it was tradition. Ever since I can remember Nana stayed Christmas Eve at my house. I laid awake a listening to her, her breathing was off. After we had dinner she helped clean up, and we took her back to the nursing home. I hugged her goodbye and slowly worked my way out to the car. I couldn't help the strange feeling tugging at my heart.

Mom went down to see her a few days later and told me that Nana told her that she saw her Husband at the door and he was asking her to come with him. He had her bags packed for her, and was warming the car up. "I think I'm ready" she told my mother, but we were not. It scared my mother because people sometimes see loved ones before the pass away. I knew this all to well. Moms eyes welled up as she told me this, then I told her about what I had been feeling. "We're all connected" She said to me. ESP.

Again, a few days later Mom and I were rushing down to the hospital. Nana was in the ER. I can't remember why now, but I told her not to scare me like this. She took my hand and told me not to worry, she'd be fine.


I didn't see her again until I got paged to the office at school. I started crying because I knew something was up. I had serious Nana ESP. I ran down the hall way and saw Dad standing there. He looked at me "your Nana is in the hospital. Its not looking so good." We rushed to WCGH to the second floor. The second to the last room, on the right side, of the right hall way. Mom heard my cries coming from the elevator. She rushed out and told me I needed to clam down before I came into the room. She didn't want me to upset my uncle. We all sat around her and listened to her hollow breathing. We sat in silence and tears. There are still tear stains on my red pea coat.

The funnest thing happened. My Aunt had flown home from Florida. She has only been at the hospital a few hours and suddenly Nana woke up. Nana looked at my Aunt and said "Wow, you look like crap" My Aunt laughed "well its good to see you too, Mom." we all laughed. Nana looked up "I think I want something to eat" So we had them find something for her to munch on. This went on all day. She was talking, joking, and asked me to brush her hair for her. Mom and I had gone home that night to get a good night sleep. In the night Nana took another turn for the worst. When we got there the next day she was barely with us. Her kidneys were starting to fail and they think she had a stroke. She was talking to us but it was breathy and mumbled. She took turns telling us each something. When she got to me she had me come sit next to her. She took my hand and told me she was sorry. She was sorry that he had to brake her promise, she wouldn't be able to make it to my graduation. She told me she loved me, and that she would always be with me no matter what. She also said that she didn't want to see me cry. That there was no need because she was going to be fine. Later on the moved her to Hospice.

The next day around lunch Mom and I left to get some food. All of a sudden Mom looks at the lady making her sandwich and tells her to hurry up because she needed to get back to the hospital. We zoom back over just as my Aunt says "get in here". We all gathered around looking helpless at her, as her breathing slows until it stops. It was around 1 pm, the sun was setting as the funeral directors came and got Nana. I sat in with her while the family was in the other room, I couldn't stand her being alone. I held her hand and sobbed into the pillow next to her.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember her friend crying big, painful, heartbreaking sobs when we told her. I remember that I picked out her funeral outfit. I remember how numb I felt all that week while we were doing funeral things. And then in the spring when we had to burry her. How everything I was trying to mask came back up.

I miss you Nana, and I know you where with us this weekend. We love you <3

I'll break the sky.

The only thing I feel that I have to hold on to is hope. Hope that they will figure out whats going on in my brain. I have vertigo, which is, in a nutshell chronic dizziness. How can a person be driven crazy by a bout of dizziness? Well, allow to me to explain. Its like no matter what I do the world keeps spinning faster, and faster around me. No matter how much I scream the world won't stop and let me off. Its that feeling that you get after you're done spinning around in a circle, only that's my every hour, minuet, second of everyday of my life. Its sickening. I feel trapped inside my own body, and I don't like the decor, its s sickening shade of pale pink. I feel like its morphing me into this monster. This hollow shell of a translucent being. A person that I don't know, a stranger to everyone. A ghost. I don't like this new feeling. I don't feel the same, I feel the change engulfing me. Like when the sea takes out its rage on the fishing boat. My body is taking its rage out on me. And I don't have the power to fight back, no matter how hard I try. My boat isn't fast enough to out run the fury of the sea.



I feel very empty and confused.

I will win this battle, my Dear.

When I was younger all I wanted to be was a house wife. I wanted to wake up everyday next to my perfect husband who is a mechanic, make his meals, clean the house, and kid wrangle. 'Till this day that is still all I want. I guess it's because I still believe marriage is sacred and unbreakable and that person that I marry will always love me. Deep down I know that is not the case at all. But I still like to pretend that life is perfect and no one would ever hurt me. I also like to pretend I'm not broken, that I'm not sick and unhappy. And the more I try to shove out the pain the more it runs back and bites me. I keep building walls hoping my pain will bounce off but it finds a way to slip through the cracks of the bricks. I want to wake up one day and feel healthy and alive. I've feel so dead and hopeless for the first time in my life. I hate it. I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it. I guess the house wife thing is just a reflection of what my perfect life would be. I would go about my day pretending my sadness wasn't killing me, because that's what I am use to. I would stand in my kitten heals and wrap dress crying in the cookie dough while my kids run around my feet. When my husband comes home with his grease stained clothes and hands, he'll take me by the waist and kiss me, which will make me forget why I hate my life. While I'm making dinner he'll be out in the yard playing catch with our son and our daughter will be swinging and watching them, while the sun sets behind my perfect family. And then I'll wake up the next day and do it all over again except every Wednesday I'll have therapy while Jr and Sally have soccer and ballet practice.

What will really happen? I'll end up with some deadbeat who beats the shit out of me and tells me i'm ulgy, fat, and stupid. And I'll put up with it because that's what I do. I deal with everyone's shit, I take it. I take the abuse. I'd take it. I pretend it was perfect because that's what I do. I'll still be at Old Navy making absolutely no money, and have ten horribly behaved kids.

Sometimes I also wonder why I let myself believe stuff like the deadbeat boyfriend thing. I know how wonderful I am, and not in a self centered way. I know my life is valued and that I am loved. I know someday I will marry my mechanic, we'll have kids and a dog named Chester or Winnifred or something along those lines. One day I will be happy, healthy, and loved.  Until then I guess I need to find my own way out of this rut. I can't be helped out. I will over come this battle with demons. I will be victorious.

My body hates me.

I had to call out of work today. My body wanted to play "am I going to throw up?" which is not my favorite game at all.
At the start of the week I was suppose to get 30 hours now 'm getting 18. I hate my body.

And now I have this weird starvation- nauseous feeling
UGH

I also have made much progress on my novel.

I work at Old Navy, Did ya know that?

My first Black Friday. I worked 11pm- 8:30am.

I can't feel my legs.
We found out that the line had started forming around 8pm, we opened at midnight. People are crazy to stand in line THAT long. I know you're getting some deals, but still. I felt like my eyes were taped opened and my tummy hurt the whole night, it was utter craziness. All the kids who worked the same shift as me look like death. We looked like zombies, staggering around the store. We gave the new video game Dance Central to the first 59 people in line...and the next 10ish people I believe free cozy socks...which is kinda of a slap in the face. "Oh sorry, you were number 60...have some cozy socks!". But it was really fun, actually. I love working with the group of people I did.

When I got home I ate some left overs and passed out. I slept 7 hours...not what I wanted to do.

Now I'm going to stalk weheartit.com and work on my novel.

Another Thanksgiving without you.

Sigh.
Holidays are always terribly hard. My Nana was the glue that kept this family together. She passed away a little over a year ago. When she left this world she took a little bit of us with her. I miss her more then I could ever understand. Its not a normal miss, Its like this aching hole in my chest that won't heal. She was my second mother, my rock, my safe place to hide when I had no where else. When I was younger I wanted to die before her so I wouldn't know a world without her. God has other plans for me, I guess. I've been living in a world that doesn't know how wonderful a lady she was. I fear her memory will fade from my mind, so I fight everyday to remember her. Not that I think one day I will no longer remember who this woman is, I just worry I'll forget what her voice sounds like, or what color her eyes were.

Today is a good day to reflect. I haven't really stopped and though "these are all the good things in my life"

• My family. They are so amazing and wonderful. They are always there for me no matter what. My Mother would stop everything to do anything for me. My Dad is one the funnest men alive. I get a lot of my humor from my Dad. My bother. He always watching out for me. When my ex boyfriend broke up with me my brother called me to make sure I was okay. Hes such a sweetheart. Not to forget my Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins who I also love very deeply.
• My friends. I can't even start to list all the shit I make them put up with. I love them. They have seen me go through so much and has never left my side. I love all of you and even though I don't always tell you guys but I do, I don't know what I would do with out you guys.
• My job. Sometimes I hate it, but its a job and I like it. I like the people that I work with. I wish I made more money but whatever. 
• My car. I love to hate it but its the first big thing I have ever bought myself. I'm working just to make the payment on her. A blue 2003 Jetta. I'm proud of her.
• My Faith. Sometimes I lose sight of my beliefs when I am all wrapped up in my own self pity but this is all part of Gods plan, I also forget that.

I could keep going. There is so much I am thankful for.

I have to work 11:30pm to 9:00 am tonight at Old Navy. It should be fun? I'll post a picture of my crazy staff shirt later.

I forget the simple things.

I picked Brian up today. That boy has saved my life more then once. He has seen me break down in the worst way during "the dark time" of my life. Sometimes I forget that he loves me so deeply. Sometimes I forget I love him deeply. When I'm feeling like I'm going to jump off the deep end he grabs my arm and pulls me back up on the dock. Sometimes I forget that the words that come out of my life are dark and scary, and he'll look at me with those deep brown eyes of his and I want to cry. I ended up telling him how I would kill myself. Those words spilling out of my mouth scared me. I've never really felt like that before. I played it off as a joke but those thoughts are dangerous and stupid, I know that. We play off each other. Like two comedians. We are always in different moods it seems. Two very different people. He also spoils me so bad, he has bought me a new coat, shoes, bags, everything. 

Today we made a packed that if I am still single by the time I am 30 and if he has no partner then we're going to get married and have babies. I like to joke and pretend I don't want them to have his eyes, but I wouldn't want it any other way. His deep brown eyes are honest and my blueish green ones are mean and hard. This boy is my life, my rock, my everything. 

And I don't think he knows that.

I just get lost and blinded by the fact that I'm sick and empty that I don't realize how much I shove people away. I just want to feel better, I want to feel alive. But if I do start feeling better and I no longer have friends then will I really feel any better?

You gotta get up, to get beat down.

My goal is to create a blog everyday. I was never that faithful with a paper journal. I guess it's 'cause I can't stand my hand writing. Or I would simply just forget. But there is something about being able to type out all of the things are are spilling into your brain down. I'm the kind of person who wears there soul on their sleeve and heart as a hat. I get easily burned and let down. I have started buliding walls and pushing people away. I can't stand it anymore. My hope is that this blog will keep my safe and keep my sanity in tacked.

My blog will consist of the following:
Self loathing
Bitching 
Regrets
Pictures from my tumblr that I think are pretty
The inner workings of my mind
My hopes
My fears
What keeps me awake at night
My dreams
The opposite sex
My Family
My job
My Friends
Crazy adventures
And more bitching.

I think this will really be super helpful.

Hello, Blogspot.

I like to keep my chin up. But sometimes its hard. Sometimes I have no one to talk to so I'm making this. Just to get all of the stuff out of my brain. I don't if no one ever read this. Why would anyone? I'm just one girl with a dumb blog from some crusty nook in Maine. I'm not looking to be the next Julie Powell (even though we all know shes totally awesomely amazing) I just want to get stuff of this caved in chest of mine.

I got diagnosed with vertigo...big deal, right? Its a huge deal. Have you ever spun around in a circle? You know that feeling you get right after you stop? and everything is spinning and spinning around you and you can't tell which way is up or down and you feel like you're falling? Yeah thats my everyday. Its starting to really become an issue. Its starting to mess with my emotions and how I interact with my family, friends, and the people around me. Most days I don't want to get out of bed. But, I force that smile and stroll off to work.

Well anyway. There will be more post of me totally bitching or telling kooky stories about my life.